If you don’t know who the lawn orphans are, stop and read All Knowing God.
A couple of weeks ago we realized that a feral cat had kittens under Kid 2’s shed. For a while we have been getting daily updates about it. We were on vacation at the time. Unfortunately, mama cat moved the kittens one night before PAWS could get there because all of the neighborhood cats would gather by the shed and stare. But at the time of this story, the kittens were still under the shed.
Me on the phone: How did it go with PAWS?
Kid 2: I called. They said that they will put me on the list. It’s a long list. The shelter is full as well. They said they would pass it down to some rescues, but everyone is full. I am just feeding them, because mama cat won’t even let me near. Oh, you’ll like this. Someone knocks on my door. I open it and it’s the lawn orphans manager with his crew. He has his tablet and his phone and he is like, “You know what time it is.”
Me: Hahaha. ‘You know what time it is?” That’s what that kid opened with?
Kid 2: Yep. And I told him that they can’t mow my lawn because they might scare the kittens. And he said, “For $20 we can crawl under the shed and get the kittens out for you.” And he looks at the smallest kid and the smallest kid is like, “No problem.” Because that’s what I need, Mom. I need that shed to collapse on top of a twelve year old and crush him to death.
Me: Did you tell them no?
Kid 2: Of course I told them no. I don’t want some poor kid’s death on my conscious.
Gordon, looking at his email: What the hell?
Me: What is it?
Gordon: The HOA sent us a courtesy notice that Kid 2’s lawn needs to be mowed.
Me, calling to Kid 2: Hey so, we got the fussy note from HOA about the lawn.
Kid 2: How? How did they even know?
Me: The HOA uses a service that sends a car through the neighborhood every week and tags people whose lawn is too long or who have their trashcans out. Look, you and D. will have to go to Lowe’s and buy a mower and knock that lawn out.
Kid 2 on the phone: The lawn is done.
Me: What did you buy?
Kid 2: Nothing. About thirty minutes after you called the door bell rang and it was the lawn orphans manager again.
Me: You’re kidding.
Kid 2: Nope. And he said, “Are you ready to have your lawn mowed now?”
Kid 2: They must have a hook up at the HOA. I know what this is. This is Lawn Orphan Mafia, mom.
Kid 2: I talked to my neighbor about it, and he told me that he tried to hire other lawn companies to come out and none of them would show up. And the one that did found tacks in their tires. When those kids said that they mow “all the lawns around here,” they meant it.
Me: What did you do?
Kid 2: I paid them! I watch Peaky Blinders. I know what’s good for me. I gave them that dirty protection money and now my lawn is mowed.
And that is the story of the Lawn Orphan Mafia.